Sojourn in Eugene

This journal entry is based on experiences from my short week in Eugene, Oregon. 

Having the place and time to explore along with will and curiosity is a simple recipe for returning to a calmer mindset. I started this journey questioning my path in life; what will I be doing in 5 years and why? I didnt find treasure at the end of any rainbow (I did find a leprechaun), but I got back up on my two feet and feel confident and satisfied.

 "Sometimes people see a possible next step, but are not ready for it.
They can get there and do it, but the cost will be seven times inflated.”

My best qualities, ones I’ve always known and love in me, had been muted and I had been feeling alot of anger related to loneliness.

Late Sunday evening, I purchased a one-way ticket for the following morning. I threw together a packed bag and hopped on the 7-hr bus south. My good friend, Daniel, picked me up in his same truck and that evening we went grocery shopping and stayed in watching Young Frankenstein.

I left early in the morning. I walked on the side of a busy road crowded with slow moving cars into the center of town. My backpack full of books, journals, and my computer. I flipped out Google Maps and decided I would go to where the map’s yellow-coded land information indicated the dense center of town. I found many interesting thrift stores, mom and pop bakeries, tabletop and computer gaming hangouts, and a copy of Pokemon Sun for $28.00 (which I did not buy).

Create a small rhythm. Once you can ride, enjoy the difference. Try something new.
Embrace your excellence. Time and focus determine your reality. 

Shadowfox cafe’s mascot Tommo sniffed me out as a friend. He sat on my table and sniffed around my space. Tommo let me pet him, gnawed on me a bit, and even tasted my English Breakfast Tea.

My destination was Oregon University. I stopped at coffee shops on the way to people watch and do company admin work, emails, etc. My path was partially determined by Pokemon Go, which I flipped open to find rare creatures from time to time.

Vero Coffee was a large doll-house estate converted into a two-story, dainty, airy and bright coffee shop. A perfect place to spend a few hours people watching and funnelling refills.

I sat outdoors on a small, two-table patio facing the main thoroughfare. People walked, biked, and drove by. A church for the science of christ (stfu) was directly across the street. I watched people come and go. Eventually, a girl joined me out on the patio. I felt an immense pressure against saying hello or speaking. When she did something like try to squeeze by, my reactions were jerk. I dislike this mode I can get into and it usually resists my attempts to calm myself. What I’ve found, though, is that actions speak louder than words — always. Try talking and the connection, if it is possible, will shine through and burn away everything fighting it. Any throw away line or question will elucidate both of your purposes and time will push you where you need to go.

I finally spoke. We conversed about plans for life, our recent past, struggles, travels; of cultural norms, of unease, loneliness, anger, and all of the little rocks and gems we clutch close and really just want to show everyone on the playground. We lifted each other up and shared motivation, which is always limitless and meant to be shared in everything you do. I learned that any stranger is dealing with struggles not so very different from my own put me at ease.

It seems you basically have to catch people in a beginners mindset or in a reflective state in order to connect with them. As I was writing this, a roommate and friend walked by my room and I greeted her warmly. She held my gaze for a moment and shifted right back forward and marched on like she had just seen a squirrel and was ready to move on with life. Cold. But, though it seems every time you attempt to reach out you get bit or find nothing, reaching out and finding something in someone, for 10 minutes or life, will remind you of why you reach out in the first place.

I entered this trip because things were getting really heavy. My worries and depression had been amplifying and the weight was hurting me. I was in a cycle and psychological trap.

I’m writing this here because I want to share my own story for the people I’ve been speaking with who are dealing with the same existential issues in their mid-late 20’s. I have one main message for you: everyone is in the same boat with you. If you reach out boldly, life will surprise you.

I lied on my back in thought. I reclined on a fallen redwood in the middle of luscious nature left to grow, carpet, die, and rebuild, undisturbed. It rained lightly and the moisture had soaked into the vegetation to its saturation point. Everything was teeming and dripping with fullness, making the forest’s greens glow. Lying prostrate, tilted toward an iron-grey sky, sense and sensibility burned off of my perspective like when an old film reel finishes on a projected screen, and in my head I played with my brain like spaceship controls. Now, this was Pod Racing. The grey skies melted endlessly into and reflected into themselves ad infinitum. In the foreground, the forest canopy leaves, symmetric structures, danced in nautilus-shapes and spirals on stretched and twisting branches. Under forest temple skies, I considered self infatuation, romance, narcissism, sadness, anger, targets and anchors, and nightmares. Log it. Pull it apart. Move on.